On to the real reason I am posting tonight....
There were alot of things that I had been prepared for when coming to college. I knew there would be a lot of parties. I knew there would be alot of alcohol and drugs. I knew there would be alot of lost people. But, one thing I never expected was loniless and confusion. I mean, I came to Arkansas with such confidence that this was the place for me. I knew God had a divine purpose for me here, but I never expected to feel the way I feel. I knew I wouldnt be going to the parties, but I never knew I'd be sitting in my dorm room all weekend. I knew there would be lost people, but I was not prepared for the lost people to actually be 'christians' lacking a changed life. I knew I was 5 hours away, but I never expected to miss Dallas so much. I knew my calling in ministry, but I never expected to experience so much doubt.
I feel like my time at Arkansas has been somewhat of a waiting period. There isnt a day that goes by when I ask God, "WHY did you bring me here?"I know where I eventually want to be, what I eventually want to be doing, but I feel like Ive been sent to a land in between. I sit in my business classes thinking to myself, "what am I ever going to do with this degree?" and I walk around campus every day wondering how in the world this is going to equip me for what I want to do with my life? I've been in such a tough place because I know I was lead here, but I also know what I'm called to. The two just dont seem to match up. And of course, I understand that you dont have to have a degree IN ministry to DO ministry, but to me, college is a place to equip and prepare you for what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life. So because of these thoughts, the fact that I am here has lead me to question the calling I have. It has produced days when my mindset is one of doubt and fear that my calling wont work out just because I'm not seeing it in this season.
Aside from all these worries and complaints I have against Arkansas, I do know this: God IS fufilling his will in my life here in this season. Even though I am not pursuing ministry through my education here, I am pursuing ministry. It all comes down to remembering why I'm here. I wasnt sent here for me, but I was sent here for other people. I was sent here to "demonstrate His righteousness," and I know I have been doing just that. It really is amazing to be in a place so dependant on God. I am alone and He is all I have, but he really has been more than enough. I trust him too much to take my life out of his control. Regardless of the lonliness and confusion I've faced while being here, he has taken me to places in my faith I have never been before. I mean, for one, I've never been as in love with Jesus as I am in this season. And the most amazing thing is, its all God. I havent had to rely on others to pour into me, or teachers to teach me, its just the Almighty, the great counselor, the perfect teacher perfecting and growing my faith and my understanding of who He is.
While obedience leads to blessing, blessing isnt always immediate. Just because God promised you something, doesnt mean the moment you accept his promise it will be fufilled. Sometimes, he just asks you to wait. And I feel like thats where I am right now. I'm in a waiting stage.
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